Confidential Secrets of a Tour Guide - Sabotage & Shenanigans
Morals, Leaflets, and the Long Game: Confessions of a Tour Guide Who Wouldn’t Play Dirty.
Everyone’s friendly… until you do something truly outrageous—like exist in the same profession. There was one chap—very well-known around York (and possibly York’s self-appointed king of cobbles)—who was all warm greetings and cheery nods… until I dared to start guiding tours. That’s when the charm evaporated faster than a puddle in a heatwave, and he morphed from “local legend” to “low-budget Bond villain.”
Suddenly, venues that used to welcome me with open arms were offering me the kind of frosty reception usually reserved for tax collectors. He’d been on a quiet little PR spree, it seemed—whispering sweet nothings to museums, muttering melodramas to heritage sites. Even staff at one of York’s biggest and most iconic structures (which shall remain nameless, but let’s just say it rhymes with Stork Spinster) mysteriously made snide comments on passing, one even swearing about the B$%^*&^S!
But why stop at reputational arson when you can also dabble in leaflet hoarding? Yes, he’d go around collecting my flyers like they were rare Pokémon cards—except instead of trading them, he simply removed them from the ecosystem. I half expected him to start lighting little bonfires with them in the Shambles. And when he wasn’t busy raiding reception desks, he’d pop into places I operated from, plant himself near the door, and start “helping” confused tourists—by redirecting them to his own tours, naturally. Like a helpful but mildly sinister scarecrow with a clipboard.
But wait, it gets better. He apparently also hired (or got a mate, all will be revealed over the coming months) to sabotage my SEO. Because nothing says “healthy competition” like paying a tech gremlin to bury your rival on Google. According to a study by Reboot Online, over 18% of businesses admit they’d consider online sabotage to damage a competitor’s reputation. Which is comforting, really—makes you feel part of a very shady, very determined club.
So there I was, armed with local trivia and a clean conscience, while he was launching digital grenades and hoarding paper like it was wartime.
It’s a “who you know” business—unfortunately, I’ve always been more “slightly awkward hello” than “schmooze and cruise.” Networking events feel a bit like speed dating for extroverts: lots of eye contact, hand gestures, and forced laughter. I tend to hover near the biscuits and pray for the fire alarm.
So naturally, when a well-connected someone starts sprinkling snide comments about you like confetti, (I'm not talking one person here) they go unchallenged. Silence spreads faster than facts ever could. And let’s face it, in this charming little industry, evidence is wildly overrated. You don’t need proof anymore—just a well-timed look, a subtle eyebrow raise, and voilà: reputation in tatters. No need for a trial when there’s a good old-fashioned public squint.
Truth has become a sort of optional extra, like a garnish. Looks, whispers, and vague vibes now carry more weight than hard facts. And if you’re not a natural at playing the game, you’re not just left behind—you’re quietly deleted.
Stronger people than me have tried to take on this sort of nonsense—and come away with twitching eyelids and a burning desire to move to a lighthouse. But you know what? I do know my stuff. Inside and out. Backwards, sideways, and in interpretive dance form if needed.
I’ve got values. Morals. A line I wouldn’t cross even if the rest of the industry was holding a limbo contest on top of it. While others are busy playing sabotage-and-whispers, I’m out here doing what I love—meeting wonderful people, sharing historical anecdotes, and being reminded daily that life isn’t all smear campaigns and backroom politics.
I still run my tours (and quite well, if I say so myself). I’ve become a bit of a ninja on social media—turns out, awkward people can still be very memeable. And as for SEO sabotage? Oh yes, I’ve learnt how to handle that too. So now I tour with a spring in my step, a sharpened wit, and a Google ranking that bites back.
And if anyone wants to fact-check my tours—by all means, bring a clipboard. (it's free if you give evidence you live in York) Perfection is a noble goal, and I’d love the company. As for the rest of it? I’ll leave that to the legal system… while I skip merrily into what’s shaping up to be my busiest year yet.
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